From the recording Evolutions
According to my notes, I began writing this song 9/18/91 and finished it 2/27/92. Originally titled "The Golden Heart" I was going through some stuff at the time. I had recently come out, I was with a man who was in a different place than I was as-far-as the relationship went, but I could not see WHY he wasn't where I was and I didn't want to let that go because I thought love would solve everything... ah, to be 25 again... I was trapped, but I didn't realize at the time, I was trapped by MY OWN SELF. ...and I, apparently, was horny a lot... a lot of this album is about repressed sex... LOTS of entendre in this one...
As I look outside my window sunlight streams in, warms my face
I postulate my life's direction: reflect on my life pace
I look around me at my citadel of pain
I'm searching for some answers while trying to stay sane.
There were people that I trusted--let in my garden gate--now
a golden heart lies rusting: a carcass from wealthy plates.
To cease the pains flowing, what's the opiate that I seek?
To find solace with another--consummation chosen randomly.
My night surrounds me; suddenly you're here.
Moonlight off your shoulder--my fingers part each lock of hair.
Coerced into the passion, we slither intertwined.
I neglect convalesing to be happy for a while.
Love please free me, I'm trapped.
Running so fast I can't see, I'm trapped.
Don't know what I'm doing
I don't think it's healthy.
As we slump to the linen spent smiles replace our pace.
I watch shadows of our river evaporate and fade away.
Wasn't it you I trusted? To my table you came.
Wasn't it my oxygen and wasn't it your rain?
Now here I lie beside you--for the moment I'm content
to watch you softly slumber as midnight creeps in.
In the shadows of my dreamscape your ghost lurks there
Thoughts pass into darkness, you catch me unaware
Suddenly I'm confronted by a past I have know
Infidelity and conquest: my life destroyed for goals unknown.
I try so hard to fight you, but to no avail
As you destroy me over, my soul seeks a deeper hell.
The song fades there, but here is the rest of the unrecorded lyrics:
The breeze spreads the ashes as the skirmish breaks for day.
I glance to where you're laying--my nemesis unscathed.
As the battle smoke is lifting, I realize you're not there:
it's a surrogate for expressing--a replacement for the love I bare.
Seems YOUR path I've chosen, even though we had to part.
The blood on my hands is a betrayal of the golden heart.
As I stare out my window gathering clods of my path
A future of abusing learned from relics of the past
Where is the love I believe in when SEX is the only goal?
How can I live to my fullest from the dark corner of my soul?
I want to come back now: I want to be free!
The past will not conquer: I will be ME!